A revised version of a sketch I wrote last year:

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Stupidity Insurance by Drew Tarvin

INT. STUDIO – DAY

SPOKESMAN, a man in his 30′s wearing a suit, walks onto the studio stage, looking directly at the camera through the
entire walk. He stops in the center of the room.

SPOKESMAN
Do you often find yourself saying “Hey guys, watch this?” Do people regularly say “How the hell did you manage that?” after you do a something? Is the most common reaction you get after telling a story looks of disbelief mixed with people laughing at you? If so, you may be interested in a revolutionary insurance company designed just for you.

EXT. STREET – DAY

CAR GUY 1 is standing in the street. A car, still running, is stopped in the background. CAR GUY 2 is lying on the ground, his leg is clearly broken.
CAR GUY 1
Dude, I told you you couldn’t jump over my car.

CAR GUY 2
I told you that you had to be going at least 40 miles per hour, you were barely pushing 35, man.

CAR GUY 1
Don’t blame me for you not being able to jump.

Car Guy 1 looks off screen. His speech becomes very stale as he reads aloud from a cue card next to the camera.

CAR GUY 1 (CONT’D)
But we better get you to a hospital, that looks pretty bad.

Car Guy 2′s dialogue matches Car Guy 1′s.

CAR GUY 2
No way, man. I can’t afford this and there’s no way my insurance company will pay for it.

Car Guy 1 looks directly at the camera.

CAR GUY 1
What? You don’t have AAA Stupidity Insurance?

INT. STUDIO – DAY

SPOKESMAN
That’s right, here at AAA Stupidity Insurance, we insure you against yourself. How often do you get into a car accident? Once or twice a year if you’re lucky. How many times do tornados really tear through your house? Unless you’re Dorothy, not often. But how many times do you do something stupid? Every day.

EXT. FRONT YARD – DAY

INSURANCE AGENT, a man wearing a suit similar to that of the spokesman, is standing in the middle of a yard, talking to YARD GUY, a young man with a sling on his arm.

INSURANCE AGENT
So you’re saying the pink flamingo gave you a look, so you came over to your neighbor’s yard and started to make out with it.

Yard Guy looks back and forth between Insurance Agent and a lawn gnome on his next door neighbor’s porch.

The guy nods towards Insurance Agent, but then shifts his eyes back to the gnome.

YARD GUY
(to himself)
You dirty gnome, you.

INSURANCE AGENT
And then your neighbor came out and confronted you, so you grabbed the flamingo, ran into his back yard, and proceeded to bash the flamingo into your neighbor’s garden of Zinnias, screaming “You’re such a tease,” and injuring your arm in the process.

Yard Guy bites his lip and looks seductively at the gnome.

YARD GUY
(to himself)
Oh no I won’t roam alone.

As Insurance Agent speaks, Yard Guy walks sexily to the gnome.

INSURANCE AGENT
Well, that should all be covered under your Level 2 Stupidity policy.

INT. STUDIO – DAY

SPOKESMAN
At AAA Stupidity Insurance, we insure you against what really happens – your own stupidity. What other policies consider “negligence” or “incompetence,” we consider legitimate claims.

As Spokesman speaks, videos pop up of the activity he is describing.

A hand moving towards a moving fan:

SPOKESMAN (CONT’D)
Break your hand seeing if you can stop a fan with just one finger? Covered.

A fork moving towards an electric outlet:

SPOKESMAN (CONT’D)
Electrocute yourself while testing your electrical outlets? Covered.

A man and a horribly unattractive woman:

SPOKESMAN (CONT’D)
Suffer from beer goggles, bring a girl home, and need to pay to clear up the clap? That’s right, your covered.

The Spokesman comes on screen again.

SPOKESMAN (CONT’D)
With us, you’ll never be without coverage again. AAA Stupidity Insurance, not having it would just be stupid.

A screen comes up with text that is read at a fast pace.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Stupidity Insurance covers damage to health caused by mistaken judgement, general contests between friends, damage done unto inanimate objects, and injuries to drunk people done while drunk. A stupidity test will be issued prior to assigning coverage to assess the level of insurance required and appropriate premium level. AAA Stupidity Insurance is not liable for legitimate accidents, natural disasters, or other acts of God. In the case of death caused by a stupid event, all insurance claims are null and must be taken up with your life insurance agency (you do have life insurance right?) Void where prohibited and the state of New Jersey.

FADE TO BLACK

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