wcc
My Best Tweets of 2009
Though I no longer posted a joke every day in 2009, I did start to use Twitter more. Some of the tweets were informational (like every time I was at Shake Shack), and some were just observations or thoughts that I had.
Below are my best tweets of 2009. You’ll notice that I started having better tweets later in the year when I finally started using Twitter for more than just status updates.
My Best Tweets of 2009
subway tip #241 – even if someones ipod is loud enough for everyone to hear, it is not a radio and you should not make requests 8:39 AM Jan 15th, 2009
if a tree falls in the woods, and theres no one around, do the other trees make fun of it? 9:12 AM Mar 5th, 2009
just had an ekg, yeah you know me 11:57 AM Apr 1st, 2009
24 and halo. its like i never left college 11:58 PM Apr 20th, 2009
i wonder how mlk jr got to dreaming about civil rights, my dreams are always about work or showing up somewhere naked 7:53 AM Sep 17th, 2009
people who say “someone has a case of the mondays” give me a “case of the mondays.” 11:49 AM Sep 21st, 2009
and with the coats come the uggs. ugh 8:52 AM Sep 29th, 2009
saw a commercial for product that grows your eyelashes. seriously? eye lashes do not need viagra 8:36 AM Oct 2nd, 2009
anyone know any midgets? I want to befriend one to get over my fear. does that make me a bad person? 2:54 PM Oct 4th, 2009
if someone is appointed to a position, and then removed from power, are they disappointed? 6:35 PM Oct 7th, 2009
Gave a homeless man a pack of Disney Princess fruit snacks on the subway; now we both have a story to tell our friends. 3:47 PM Oct 12th, 2009
the band earth wind and fire was two elements away from being able to call captain planet. 2:31 PM Oct 20th, 2009
i always forget my umbrella. i blame resident evil. 8:31 PM Oct 24th, 2009
not a fan of tights under shorts. just wear pants. 11:59 PM Nov 6th, 2009
advantage to working from home: pizza rolls for lunch. i am half man, half child. 1:39 PM Nov 9th, 2009
primordial dwarf just gave me attitude for telling him the elevator was going down. wanted to say “dont get short w/ me” but didnt 4:50 PM Nov 28th, 2009
november only has 30 days in it. i know this because of my knuckles. 1:26 PM Nov 30th, 2009
i just took a step and realized i missed biggie. i guess diddy and faith evans were right. 2:31 PM Dec 3rd, 2009
i wonder if animals wonder what its like to be human like i wonder what its like to be an animal. i wonder if stevie wonders this too. 10:28 AM Dec 6th, 2009
great start to humpday / pants and shoes soaked from the rain / should have worked from home #haiku 9:27 AM Dec 9th, 2009
forgot how big things are in the midwest. the stores, the portions, the people… 11:08 AM Dec 23rd, 2009
so now the question is, what do you do on Christmas Adam? 2:26 PM Dec 26th, 2009
just tried alligator. if youre wondering, i did say “see you later…” before eating it. 12:02 AM Dec 31st, 2009
PC Support
[scrippet]
INT. OFFICE CUBICLE – DAY
JERRY is sitting at his computer with a Word document open. KELLY is standing next to him, leaning over, looking at the screen.
JERRY
I don’t think it’s supposed to be like that.
KELLY
I don’t know, I’ve seen it like that before.
JERRY
I’m just going to call PC support, they’ll know.
Jerry leans over and picks up his phone. He dials Arun in PC Support.
ARUN (V.O.)
Hello, PC support.
JERRY
Hi, yes, I have a PC question I was hoping you could help me out with.
ARUN (V.O.)
Of course, no problem. What seems to be the issue?
JERRY
OK, we have Word open and we’re trying to write a report and we were wondering—do people still say Indians or are they Native Americans now?
ARUN (V.O.)
Ah yes, common question. Indian refers to people from India. If you mean the quote unquote Indians that native to the United States, they are called Native Americans.
JERRY
OK, so Indians are the dot kind, Native Americans are the arrow kind.
There is a pause as dead air fills the phone.
ARUN (V.O.)
That’s a bit racist, but yes. Is there anything else I can assist you with?
JERRY
Nope, that’s it.
ARUN
Well thank you for calling “Politically Correct Support,” have a nice day.
INT. OFFICE BREAKROOM – DAY
Kelly and Jerry are sitting for coffee. Arun walks in.
ARUN
You guys called again?
KELLY
That was quick PC guy. We were asked to explain how the company is giving back to the community and we want to release a press statement that says we’re giving back by giving hobos free cans of Axe body spray.
JERRY
Yeah, now do we use hobo, bum, or something retarded like “home challenged.”
Arun twitches as he hears them.
ARUN
I find that offensive. First, you shouldn’t say something is retarded if you mean to imply that it is dumb or silly. Retarded shouldn’t really be used at all, the correct term is “mentally disabled.” Second, the oft-used but still not perfect term is “homeless.”
KELLY
Oh, that’s gay–
Kelly catches herself. Her tone becomes very polite and she looks proud of herself.
KELLY (CONT’D)
I’m sorry, I mean, that’s homosexual.
INT. OFFICE HALLWAY – DAY
Arun is walking down the hallway, Jerry calls after him,
JERRY
Hey PC dude, got a quick question for you.
ARUN
It’s Arun.
JERRY
What? I’ve got to run too, but I just had a quick question. I’m about to go hit on the new secretary, do I call her babe or toots?
ARUN
You shouldn’t call her anything but her name, and that could be sexual harassment. “Babe,” “toots,” and “dollface” are all inappropriate for the office.
JERRY
Oh, good one, thanks.
A random girl walks past Jerry and Arun.
JERRY (CONT’D)
(to the girl)
Hey! Dollface! How about making me some coffee?
Jerry smacks the girl on the butt as she passes.
Arun looks fumed.
INT. OFFICE ROOM – DAY
Kelly is talking to her boss, MR. SHETMEN.
KELLY
I don’t know sir, let’s see what PC support says when he gets here.
Arun walks into the room.
MR. SHETMEN
Thanks for coming so fast, we have a PC question.
ARUN
Of course Mr. Shetman.
KELLY
What’s the right way to say, “We have to hire more black people.”
ARUN
I’m sorry, Kelly?
MR. SHETMEN
We need more diversity and we have to hire more black people. I know we can’t say slave, can we still call them “N–”
Arun leaves the office and slams the door before Mr. Shetmen can finish his sentence.
INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM – DAY
MRS. TUCKER is at the front of the room, with Mr. Shetmen, Jerry, and Kelly sitting in seats in the room.
MRS. TUCKER
I am sad to announce that Arun has passed away. He was found in his apartment after overdosing on anxiety medication.
MR. SHETMEN
That is sad… Who was Arun?
MRS. TUCKER
He worked in PC Support?
Blank stares from everyone in the room.
MRS. TUCKER (CONT’D)
The fine Indian gentleman?
Jerry does air quotes as he speaks.
JERRY
We had a “Native American” working here?
FADE TO BLACK
[/scrippet]
What to Get Your Coworkers for the Holidays
From Humor That Works:
It’s that time of year when you have to pony up some cash for the people you spend the most time with—nope, not your family or friends, but your co-workers. And if you’re wondering what you should get your boss, direct reports or peers, here are some of the best gifts you can get a coworker.
Paperclips
Lingerie
If your boss or assistant is a man, this also has the added benefit of letting him know you know he has a softer side than his stern attitude might suggest.
More Work
A Pink Slip
Christmas colors may be red and green, but nothing says the holidays like the color pink. Giving out pink slips is not only easy on your wallet, but it’s also giving the gift of time to your direct reports–time they can spend with their families, having fun and looking for a new job.
Drugs
Anyone can buy a bottle of wine (assuming you are over the age of 21 or have a good fake), but it takes a real “go-getter” to score some illegal narcotics for a gift. Not only will you show your recipient that you were willing to go that extra step past the law, but also that you encourage them to take a break and relax, recreationally.
In fact, if you’re not sure what to get a coworker, a good rule of thumb is that the more inappropriate, illegal, or deadly it is, the better! Here’s to a happy holiday season and starting the new year without a job!
Note: These are not actually good gift ideas, please do not give them out to your co-workers. For ideas that are actually good, check out Gifts Coworkers Will Actually Like.
Cliche Pictures 1
A few pictures that represent common cliches:
Images modified from:
- http://www.sxc.hu/photo/434278
- http://www.sxc.hu/photo/232215
- http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1118259
- http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1045515
