Stand-Up

Day 75 (291) – A “Crappy” B-day Gift – Part II

And now Part II of my brother’s gift (check out Part I).

I never know what to say when I’m in a bathroom and someone knocks on the door.  “Someone’s in here?”  “Hello?”  “Come on in?”  That’s why I like the larger public restrooms, especially the ones that hang up newspapers to read while you tinkle like a little star.

I just hate when you pick the wrong urinal.  “What the hell is this?  Home & Garden?”  And then you look at the urinal next to you and it’s the sport section.  So you lean over a little bit to read about the Reds in Spring Training, accidentally bumping into the guy actually standing at that urinal.  And on a side note – why do they call those things in the urinals “cakes” if you aren’t supposed to eat them?

I’m like most guys – if it weren’t for having to “say hello to Mr. Hankey,” I’d never read.   I never read in my bed, or cozied up on a couch.  But if I’m “making Baby Ruth’s,” give me a novel or something.  I hate it when you start reading an interesting story, and you have to delay the “drop” till you can find a good stopping point.  You could easily finish up, wipe, flush, and wash your hands, and then finish reading in a comfortable chair or something, but instead you just try to delay the inevitable.  Then of course your legs fall asleep from sitting so long.  You finally finish the chapter (and your business)  and try to stand up,  just to fall on the ground like a new born calf.

But all guys enjoy reading while they excrete wastes from their body.  That’s why there’s so much graffiti in public bathrooms.  People are so used to reading something while they “pay tribute to the porcelain gods,” that when they have nothing to read, they write something on the wall, just so they can read it.

And really those humorous scriptures are the only good thing about gas sation bathrooms.  Other than that, they are just about the most disgusting thing imaginable (the one place where most people try the “hover” method).  I swear, I don’t know why we allow these places to get away with this crap.

Whew… that was a lot of bathroom material, I’m pooped…