It’s my brother’s birthday tomorrow, and I really have no idea what to get him.  So as a small gift (don’t worry, I’ll get him something else too), I’ve decided I’ll finally work on a bit that he thinks is one of the funniest things I’ve ever said (the first time I told him he ended up laughing so hard that he threw up a little bit.  We’ll see if I can recreate any of that comedic magic).

A quick note: this material is a little more crass than I normally do.  I do think there are some clever aspects to what I’m talking about, and that you’ll agree that I’m not being blue just to be blue.  (Smaller, quicker note: “blue” is a term used in comedy for material that is “off-color.”)

I was going to the bathroom at work the other day, and as I went into a stall, I found one of those stress balls (you know, one of those squishy things you’re supposed to squeeze to help you relax) sitting on top of the toilet paper roll.  I think that’s a bit extreme.  If you need a stress ball to help you through a trip to the john, I think you may need some more fiber in your diet.

But that got me thinking about how many different ways there are to go #2.  Maybe everything I knew about that aspect of my life was wrong.  So I decided to ask around, and realized that there are indeed so many options when it comes to dropping a load.

First, you’ve got how the toilet paper is used.  Do you fold, or do you crumble?  I’ve always been a crumbler, as I’ve never seen the point in taking the extra time to fold something you’re going to dirty up.  Second, you’ve got the positioning of the legs.  Shoulder with apart?  Put together?  Do you do the “Kelly Crossover” (A move that has you take one leg out of your pants and cross it over the other)?  Third, there’s the whole relationship to the toilet seat.  Do you sit on it?  Lean back?  Try to hover over the seat without actually touching it?

And then, of course, you have the actual wiping itself.  Do you stand to do it?  Lean to one side?  Just go through the middle?  And is it front-to-back motion, or back-to-front (honestly I don’t even know how the latter would make sense)?  And which hand do you use?

A few years ago when I hurt my left (dominate) hand really bad, I found the most difficult thing to do with my right hand was not eating, not even writing, but wiping.  Have you ever tried wiping with your non-dominant hand?  That shit’s hard (ba don cha).   Seriously, it his highly inefficient.  And some of you may be wondering what the hell I’m talking about, but trust me.  Try it next time you’ve got to go “drop kids off at the pool.”

All of these choices, and it’s no wonder someone needed a stress ball to help them get through it.

Happy Birthday Bro!