Stand-Up

Day 66 (300) – Rock Bottom

Track 14: Rock Bottom (why do I have a track listed?)

There comes a time in every man’s life when they reach rock bottom with regard to women. I think I need to really start dating again seriously, as I worry that I hit that day today.

I went to get my mail at my apartment complex, and ran into this girl in the lobby, we’ll call her “Sarah.” Sarah and I chat for a few minutes and I start to get the idea that she’s really kind of in to me (who could blame her, I was wearing my vibrant blue shirt that brings out my beautiful blue eyes and sporting the always stylish P&G badge). We say our goodbyes (a suddle but flirty “Hopefully I’ll see you again soon” from yours truly) as she gets off the elevator on the 3rd floor (close, but not quite worthy of yelling at).

So I get to the apartment and tell my roommate of my recent conversation with the “cutie” on 3, and he’s going along with it, but then stops:

K: “Wait, did you say Sarah on floor 3?”
D: “Yeah, white girl, longish black hair?”
K: “And you said she was cute?”
D: “Yeah, I thought so.”
K: “Dude, if it’s the same Sarah I’m thinking of, then you might be going all Ray Charles and should go to the optometrist.”
D: “No way… Really?”

Note: My roommate likes to use celebrity names as synonyms. Ray Charles = blind, Paris Hilton/Britney Spears = slutty, Tom Cruise = crazy.

Now at this point, I’m slightly worried. But Sarah’s a common name, and despite the fact that we live with mostly zombies (aka people in their 70′s), there could theoretically be two Sarah’s on the same floor.

Fast forward to a couple of hours ago, and I’m running on the treadmill in our “workout room” (which consists of 2 treadmills and an elliptical machine – whoopdee friggin do). Guess who comes walking in. That’s right, the Kool-Aid man (“Oh yeah”)… But no, none other than Sarah.

And I’ll be damned if my roommate wasn’t right. This girl was not attractive. If she were the south end of a magnet, the north end wouldn’t even go near her. She was ugly (“Kelly Osbourne” if you will).  I don’t want to be too over the top, but this girl was so ugly, she made me believe in evolution, because she was the missing link.

That brings me back to my first point – I’ve hit rock bottom in single-dom. I’ve been single for so long (2, going on 3 “decades”), that I have “deprivation goggles” or something.

Hopefully I can do something about this soon, before it’s too late. I don’t want to wake up one day and be lying next to one of the links in the evolutionary chain (Sarah – so easy, even a caveman can do her. And has.)