Track 12: Ken Kaniff (why do I have a track listed?) (NOTE: The hardest track to create a joke about).

When I was in high school, I used to “work” at Meijer.  I was a cashier by pay, but was a cart-pusher at every opportunity I could get (as were Matt, Lance, Nate, Brad, Evan, Kevin, & Sean – yes, all of these people from one high school worked at the same Meijer at some point).  A lot of people don’t understand why we would all want to do physical labor like push carts as opposed to enjoy the climate controlled building and scan groceries.  And the answer is simple: we didn’t really push all that many carts.

You see, at Meijer, so long as there were carts for people to take, they didn’t really care what the rest of the lot looked like.  So we would spend 15 minutes grabbing a bunch of carts, and then do nothing for 45 minutes, push for 15, rest for 45, back and forth for the duration of our shifts.  And when you’re getting paid to do nothing, you start to find ways to entertain yourself.  We used to do all kinds of fun things like: watch Jeopardy! or Dunstin Checks In, make up games like “Kick the Rock” (involved kicking a rock around the outside of the building, clever I know), and every now and then, run errands like get food or wash our cars.

But the thing that I thought was most valuable about working at Meijer was learning that any of the phones you  see in the store can be used to access the PA system.  All you had to do was enter the right code in (#40 maybe? I don’t remember anymore).  So you could walk into any Meijer, pick up a phone, and make any announcement you wanted.  Naturally, when you learn that, you have to take advantage of it in every Meijer that you walk into.

For awhile, whenever some of us would go into a Meijer, we’d have some fun over the PA.  There’s nothing like seeing the mad dash of people running to the Electronics section when you announce that there are GameCubes on sale for half price (this was done at the height of GameCube’s popularity).  Or the confused looks on people’s faces when you acted out an entire relationship fight over the PA as “employees.”

Me (as Steve): “Attention Meijer customers, there is no waiting on line 15.  Also, Stephanie, you can go to hell.”
Nate (as Stephanie): “Attention Meijer customers, there is a sale on cucumbers today, buy 1 get 1 free.  Ladies, if any of you are thinking about dating Steve, consider picking some up, as you will probably need them.”
Me: “Attention Meijer customers, Stephanie is a whore…”

But I think the greatest use of a PA system in a store comes from someone we’ll just refer to as “Nasty Nate.”  You see “Nasty Nate” decided it would be fun to re-enact the “Ken Kaniff” skit from The Slim Shady LP by Eminem.  If you’ve never heard the skit, it’s basically the sound of a guy getting felated by two other guys – very graphic.  “Nasty Nate” did this over an intercom in a store… priceless.  There is no greater sight than seeing a concerned parent gasp in horror as she hears this, and her 7 year old daughter saying, “Mommy, that sounds like you and Daddy last night.”