The other day I saw a guy with a tattoo on his arm, of a heart with a knife sticking through it, and the word “mom” in the middle of it.  And I’ve always wondered about that, how is that a good idea?  I mean don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, but I would never get a tattoo of her name on my arm.  Granted, she did go through 9 months of pregnancy, 20 hours of labor, and raised me for 18 years, BUT a tattoo is permanent.  If there was one that only lasted 18 years and 9 months, then maybe I’d think about it.

Who thinks of doing that for their mom anyway?  Do you get that as like a  gift?  Are you driving along, and then all of a sudden realize that it’s Mother’s Day and you don’t have a gift for her?  My guess is that that happened to some guy years ago.  It was late on Mother’s Day, and he suddenly remembered that he hadn’t gotten anything yet.  So he pulled into a strip mall, and there were only two stores open: a Hustler, and a tattoo shop.  And he’s a smart man, because I would’ve gone with a tattoo too.

But have you ever noticed that it’s always “Mom” on the arm, never “Dad”?  I think it’s because in some weird way, your mom will take it as a sentimental gift.  Your dad will just be mad you didn’t get him something from the Hustler.

And they never have “Mother”, it’s always “Mom.”  And I think we all know why that it is.  Everyone knows the stereotype that tattoo artists are huge … fans of palindromes.

I don’t think I could ever get a tattoo, though I’m sure tattoo artists would love it if I did.  First, they wouldn’t have to use much ink (not exactly the biggest guy).  Second, they would have a perfectly white canvas to do it on.  It’s people like me why caucasians are called white and not pink.  I’m so white that the last color on those color scales for tooth whiteners is me.  We’ll just put it this way, I’m not allowed to wear my “birthday suit” after Labor Day…

I’ve always wanted to be a tattoo artist though.  I just know I wouldn’t be good at it, because I used to hate those vibrating pens that we had as kids.  You remember those?  They’d vibrate as you wrote and make squiggly lines?  It was suppose to be fun or something, or maybe it was to teach us what it’s like to be Michael J. Fox signing an autograph, I dunno.

But I want to be a tattoo artist because think of the practical jokes that you could pull.  That one guy gets wasted and passes out on your couch?  Perfect time to start drawing on his face… with a needle.  But I wouldn’t draw “Loser” or phallic images on his head.  I’d draw just a few red dots that looked like cold sores.  Then I’d find a 300 pound fat chick that passed out, and put them next to each other (clearly moving the guy, not the chick).  Oh imagine the hilarity that would ensue the next morning.  The guy wakes up, and already assumes the worst with who he’s sleeping next to.  And then he goes into the bathroom, and “BOOM” he sees an explosion of cold sores on his face.  That’s worth going to tattoo school for.