Stand-Up

Day 30 (336) – Midget Clowns

You know what’s scary?  Rattle snakes.
You know what’s scarier than that?  Hilary Clinton is running for President.
You know what’s scariest of all?  Midget clowns.

That’s right, I don’t think there is anything more frightening than a midget that is dressed as a clown.  And I know this seems like an irrational fear, like melanophobia (being of afraid of the color black – not to be confused with being afraid of black people, that’s racism), but it’s not.

You see, when I was growing up, my “wonderful” “brother” decided that we should always watch horror films.  Which two did we watch time and time again?  Children of the Corn and It (both by Stephen King).  As we all know, Children of the Corn is a horror movie about children that go crazy and kill their parents, and It is about a clown that kills children.

I’ve since learned that I don’t find children all that scary (they are easily seduced, I mean distracted, by candy).  But what’s the same size as a child, and frightening?  That’s right, midgets.  Maybe it’s because I’m not familiar with midgets (I don’t know any), or maybe it’s because a certain brother always warned me about a place called Midgetville, either way they freak me out.

And then there are clowns.  They always have that damn smile on their face and those freakishly large shoes.  They are either over-compensating for something, or they keep their blades of death in them.  (Name that comic strip: A clown is being held hostage by the mob and a mobster says “The first thing I’m gonna do is wipe that smile off your face.”  Hint: it’s the great comic strip of all time.)

So you combine the two, and you have 3 feet tall “super children” with big shoes (normal size 13′s), a bright red nose, and one of those trick flowers (What’s in it?  Water?  Liquid DEATH?  You just don’t know).  Now you’ve created something that will have me crying faster than Britney Spears’ children after they find out who their father is.  The only thing that might be scarier than a midget clown is a midget clown holding a pregnancy test where you might be the father.  (Shudder).