Stand-Up

Day 284 (82) – I Don’t Remember Eating That

Ok, with all the cruise stuff out of the way, it’s time to get back to the funny.  And what better way than to ease back into it with a relatively bland topic: throwing up (yay!).

I only bring this up because the other day I witnessed quite the event.  You see, my friend Charles threw up beef the other day.  Said differently, “Chuck up-chucked ground chuck.”  And really, what is throwing up, other than food using the emergency exit.  It’s sitting in the stomach, thinking “Oh God, this isn’t good.  Evacuate, up the ladder and to the roof.”  Just, in this case, the ladder is your esophagus and the roof is the roof of your mouth (which means every time you chew food you are “raising the roof”).

Now the thing that bothers me about throwing up is that it’s called “throwing up.” (Well technically it’s vomiting, but that just sounds bad.)  And unless I’m doing it wrong, there’s never been any throwing involved for me.  Convulsions?  Yes.  Something coming up?  Check.  Throwing?  Ye- wait, what?  I’ve never really been compelled to hurl my regurgitated food (though interestingly enough, “hurl” is another euphemism for vomiting).

Moving on, I’ve never been a fan of throwing up.  And that might seem like a “duh” statement, but there are a number of people who willingly put themselves in positions where they spend the entire night throwing up – I’m talking about people that inbibe a little too much to drink.  I admit that I like the toilet, but I prefer to sit on it to read, not make out with it all night.  And you feel so vulnerable while upchucking, not something I’m a fan of either.

But that’s about enough, I’ll stop with the vomit humor, I don’t want anyone to get sick.  If you do, don’t forget to sprinkle sawdust on it.  That’s what they did at school and it seemed to magically disappear after that.  Just like covering up bathroom stains with a newspaper – you can’t argue with science…