Stand-Up
Day 25 (341) – “2, Please”
Why are elevator rides the most awkward experiences? I live on the 8th floor of an apartment, so I have to take the elevator every day, and most days I’m lucky and get to ride it in peace and quiet (which often ends with me dancing only to have the doors open on me two floors up). But all too often I have to share that 5 foot space with one or more strangers as we wait to arrive at our destination floor.
It’s always the most awkward exchange between me and these other elevator patrons. It all starts with the other person entering the elevator, and if you don’t know the person there are one of three “greetings”:
1) A warm-hearted “Hello” or “Good afternoon” followed by a smile. This is ok but it can be annoying if it’s too friendly. You don’t know me homes, why you so happy, back up outta my space.
2) Nothing. This makes the rest of the elevator ride weird, but is the most common. I have this weird thing with silence too, that’s why I like elevators with music in them, even if it’s terrible. It’s better than hearing the person next to me sweating. (Ok, so I know you generally can’t hear someone “sweating”, panting maybe, but it just weirds me out).
3) A failed attempt at a greeting. The person walks in, smiles, and their mouth moves, but they don’t really say a word, it’s more of a “mrhem” or silence. Like you’re not good enough to force them to actually use their vocal chords, but they want seem nice so they fake a greeting. Bastards.
Once you’re in the elevator, you’ve got the exchange of hitting the buttons. And there’s always this short pause where everyone in the elevator watches what floor people press, judging them to see if they have a valid reason to even be on the elevator. And I’m not sure why people do this, because they never say anything. I know I watch what floor you’re going to, and if you hit “2″ or “3″, I immediately call you a lard ass … in my head. I never say it to their face, but you can be certain Inner Drew is pissed.
I especially hate these people that get in the elevator, and are going to a low floor, but they’re too lazy to even hit the button. They look at you, “2, please.” Like the “please” makes up for them being lazy. Please? Please allow me to punch you in the face you lazy lard ass. (Again, all in my head).
Of course if I’m the one that’s being lazy and taking the elevator to only go 1 or 2 floors, and I can tell the people behind me are pissed, I just walk out of the elevator with a limp. Not to make the people in the elevator feel bad, just because I like practicing my gangsta walk (”West Sayiiiiide”).
The worst part of the experience is the ride itself. You just stand there. You do one of these things where you just kinda rock on your heels. I’ve found that in this 30 seconds of awkwardness, I often check my watch…. six or seven times. Like “Hmm, what time is it? 5:33″…. “Ok, how bout now? Still 5:33″ ……. “And now? Yep 5:33″.
It eventually gets to your floor, and in too much eager antication you work your way to the front of the elevator, only to have timed your exit wrong and just stand there like an idiot almost hitting your head on the still closed doors. The doors then open, but, it’s not over yet, because you have to determine if their should be an exiting goodbye. Do you need to wish them a good evening? Do you walk off in silence? Do you give them the same fake mouthing of words (that they won’t see) and only mutter “mrhem?”
It’s really almost worth taking the stairs just to avoid … haha, yeah right. I’d take in an elevator even if I lived on the first floor, if it somehow meant I’d walk less.
On a side note, is it insulting to just wish someone an evening or morning, without it being good? “See ya Jim, have an evening?” Some people do this out laziness I think, but it’s not necessarily insulting, they’re just identifying the time. If you’re heading out of the office, Bob might just say “Evening.” He’s not really wishing me one, good or bad, just stating “Hey, it’s the evening right now.”
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[...] do think there should be limits to laziness though – as in whenever it affects me (such as on the elevator). And I’m not saying the world revolves around me, I’m just saying it should, because [...]