I had quite the experience tonight – I went to an MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) tournament down at Cincinnati Gardens to watch my cousin’s boyfriend fight. It was a fun night, and he won (congrats Roger), you can check out the video of him in action below (keep an eye out for the 3:48 mark).

(EDIT: It appears that something is messing up with the embedding of YouTube clip in my post, so here’s the link – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhd2UPV3BC8.)

I have to say that I was quite out of place there, like Rosie O’ Donnell at a health club, or George W at a Mensa meeting. You had all of these massive guys made of pure muscle, and then me – barely more than a skeleton with skin. Plus all of these guys are intense (and often angry), and I’m a relatively docile creature. And where I generally like to avoid altercations that lead to the fisticuffs, these guys make a Saturday night out of pummeling other people (and being pummeled themselves).

One of the things I noticed was that you have to have a cool entrance after being introduced. Most people chose hard core rock or rap songs and had the lights dark with spotlights going every which way. If I was a fighter, I think I’d do the opposite, have some crazy nice music to come out to. The other fighter would be confused as hell, “I’m really going to fight some guy coming out to LFO’s Summer of Girls?” (Side note: how great would it be if there was a gay fighter? He’d come out to “It’s Raining Men,” wear some hot pink capris, and fight only with sass and broken wrists.)

I also noticed that the fighters receive a lot of coaching out there while they’re fighting – and that’s gotta be annoying as hell. I already hate backseat drivers talking while I’m trying to drive, imagine having to listen to some guy yell at you while your trying to get out of some type of grapple, “You gotta get out! You gotta get out!” No really? I thought I enjoyed being bent like a pretzel and smelling my own ass.

I mean, what if they did that in other sports, that in the ear coaching while trying to perform. LeBron James would be stepping up to the freethrow line, Mike Brown would come out and stand right next to him. “Ok, LeBron, just nice and easy. Follow through, bend those knees, and try to relax. No pressure or anything, we’re just relying solely on you to carry our team, because if you don’t score, no one will. Now make sure you focus, don’t look over at that incredibly attractive woman waving to you in the front row, no need to see those double D’s bouncing. Just focus, focus…”

What I didn’t realize going in was how short some of the fights turn out to be, I mean some of them lasted less than 30 seconds. Can you imagine going through all of that training – lifting weights, limiting your diet, aerobics, learning martial arts, etc, etc – all to be taken out in under 30 seconds? I can think of much better things I could be doing in 30 seconds that’s not getting my head pounded worse than Paris Hilton in jail (like watching a TV commercial, staring off into space, blinking for a long time, urinating, listening to 1/6th of a song, scratching myself – the list goes on and on, but I think you get the point).

What’s sad is that the hype for these eventual losers is longer than their time in the ring. Some people’s entrances are longer than 30 seconds, walking down to their 2Pac song and vaselining up their head. The buildup to the event is 10x longer than the activity itself (seems similar to another problem…).

I found some of the manuevers some of the people performed interesting. There was lot of punching and kicking, and a whole lot of “hugging” (and by “hugging” I mean someone trying to squeeze you so hard that your insides explode). There was also a lot of pinning too, which reminded me of when I was growing up and my brother would pin me down just so he could tickle me (reflecting back on that experience, and the way that last sentence read, sounds a little gay now that I think about it). Anyway, I was sad to see that no one used that strategy (of tickling someone into submission), maybe at the next fight. But you know, no matter what was done in the ring, and how much they really wanted to severely injure the other person when fighting, they were always cordial once the bell rang.

I spoke with Roger a little bit after his victory and he was as happy as a lark (I like to try to disarm his intimidating demeanor and the fact that he just beat a man into submission by describing him with cute metaphors). Considering the strenuous amount of work involved (and risk), I asked him why he chooses to fight, and he said out of love of the activity, and likened it to my doing stand-up. And while I get what he’s trying to say, I don’t know if I can compare the two equally.

I mean I love performing comedy, but if there was a strong chance that I could end up hospitalized or potentially dead at any given show, I’m not sure I’d be performing that often (or ever). I mean what’s the worst that can happen at a comedy club? People don’t laugh, and maybe your feelings get hurt – but at least you don’t leave in a full body cast (ironically though, that scenario is called “dying on stage”). I suppose comedy can be dangerous, like if I unknowingly make fun of a guy with Roger’s skillset, and he decides to use me as a punching bag after the show.

So to wrap up, I had a great time at the fight, learned a lot, and was able to see Roger beat a complete stranger to the brink of unconciousness. I can guarantee that I’ll never get into a fight like that, but I am ok with attending these events and making various observations while there.